I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize