Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize