1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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