my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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