is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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