Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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