mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just want nice things and good sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
