my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
