She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
