Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
