Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
