FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
