As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
