I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
