Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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