we made out on top of his cat.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
