Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize