He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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