it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
