yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
