there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
