I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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