I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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