She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
