my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
