I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
