The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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