get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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