Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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