Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
