"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
