someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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