Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
