You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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