My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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