A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
