your thong is hanging out like whoa
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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