Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
