You made eat vitamins until I threw up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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