I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
