I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
