I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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