I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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