My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
