omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
