Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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