My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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