Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
