I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
