I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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