I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
