If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize