I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
