I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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