a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize