He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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