I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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