The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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